It was the night of the grill party. For some reason Louise thought it would be a good idea to get drunk. The grill started burning in the back of the Judendherberge. The air smelled of burning charcoal. The students were filing out into the ‘back yard’ where the river ran directly underfoot. The students were scattered about, some sitting on the wall drinking, smoking, laughing, wondering how this could already be the last week together, wondering what the next 10 months would bring them. Some sitting under the tent, getting ready to eat and talking about the past three weeks or playing cards. Some were talking by the log benches, singing, telling jokes, impersonating others, and playing guitar. Some individuals were walking from group to group trying to figure out in which group they best fit for the night. One was sitting, staring and writing in her journal.
Louise was friends with everyone. She felt loved and accepted by each and every one of the other students. She didn’t talk to all of the other regularly, but she was sure, that if she did, she would not be laughed at or told to go elsewhere. She was at peace with herself and the world, which was probably the reason she let her guard down and didn’t think about the consequences.
She began drinking before the food, even got on the table. She walked from group to group, chatting with others and laughing. She tried her first cigarette and coughed on her neighbor, poor Milly. She drank liquor, that a friend secretly bought and hid in her room, before the party started. She drank wine with Edon and beer from some of the others. It was too much too fast. She figured she and Edon would have great sex that night, but boy was she wrong.
Her head was spinning and she was happy, talking loudly, laughing loudly. She didn’t think she was being annoying. Edon seemed to think differently. He took her by the arm and gently led her upstairs. She thought it would be nice to have sex in her room for a change. Edon helped her get undressed and watched her climb into bed. He told her to get some rest and then proceeded to leave the room.
”Edon, please don’t leave me.” She begged. She didn’t mean to sound desperate, but she knew she must have sounded that way.
”You need rest Louise. Just stay here a while. It will be better for you.” said Edon and left.
He was so caring, helping Louise into bed, but she didn’t want to be in bed. He was not her keeper. She wasn’t even tired. Then again, Edon was just trying to help. Or he was trying to get her out of his way, so that he could flirt with his ex-girlfriend or someone else? Louise couldn’t bare the thought of it. She wanted to go downstairs and see, what was happening, but she didn’t want to make Edon mad. And he had never given her a reason to think, that he would be unfaithful. She sat up and looked out of the window. It was directly next to her bed. Ok, she was dizzy, very dizzy in fact. She strained her ears to hear his voice, but only heard music. She leaned forward to make out his whereabouts, but she saw only darkness and small silhouettes.
She laid her head back down on her pillow, wondering what to do. She wanted to go downstairs and be with Edon or at least have him here next to her. But that was unfair. He shouldn’t have to sit upstairs with her, when there was a perfectly good party going on, just because she had been irresponsible with alcohol. But who does he think he is, sending her up to her room as if she were a child? She hadn’t been acting like a child. Or had she? Even if she had, she had every right to be at the party. She decided to go down and act sober.
She climbed out of bed, down the ladder, but slipped and almost fell on her head. It was much more difficult than she thought it would be to get out of bed. She was lucky to have a good grip on the ladder and managed to hold herself up. She found her jeans and white T-shirt and put them on, not bothering with underwear. Who needs it anyway?
She walked out of the room and stormed down the stairs. Well, she more or less wobbled and stumbled down the stairs, holding tight to the railing, so she didn’t fall on her face and get a black eye, proving Edon right; that she was better off in bed. No, she held her head high and stepped slowly, feeling the cold of each step under her bare feet. As she reached the bottom step, she could see the darkness from outside luring in through the doorway. She had to let go of the railing in order to get to the door, leading to the party outdoors. She stuck her head outside into the darkness, trying to spot Edon, but her eyes had not yet adjusted and she could make out no more, than she had been able to from her window.
What was she doing here? She felt a bit dizzy so she walked back to the stairs and sat down on the bottom step, when suddenly Scott came out of nowhere and sat next to her.
She knew Scott from the group. He was a big sort of guy, the kind of guy that could pick her up with one hand, if he wanted to. She had heard, that he had tried a few drugs already in the past few weeks. He practically chain smoked and had a five o’clock shadow. He was the type of guy who hung out with the girls in the group, who talked about sex as if discussing politics. Louise was lucky enough to be present at one of these conversations, where they were counting the number of times they had individually had sex. The running toll was 7. Louise once heard someone say, that all teens lie about the number of people they have slept with; boys normally add three to the actual number, whereas girls normally subtract three from the actual number. Louise wondered if it could be possible, that these girls had each slept with 10 different boys by he age of 18. It was rather hard to imagine, but Louise was not one to judge.
‘’Hey Baby, what are you doing here? The party is outside.’’ Scott said.
‘’I don’t know, I was just looking for Edon, I can’t find him.’’ She replied.
‘’Don’t worry babe, we’ll find him. Wait here, let me see if I can help you.’’ He got up and disappeared into the darkness for a few moments. He came back saying, ‘’I didn’t see him. Come here,’’ he said, pulling her up. She leaned against his chest for support. ‘’You don’t look so good, hun. Let me bring you to your room. Is that all right with you baby?’’
She looked up at him, ‘’Thanks for the compliment.’’
‘’Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. You know you’re hot, no point in stating he obvious, now is there? Now, let’s get you into bed.’’ He said, lifting her arm up over his shoulder.
She glided her fingers through his messy brown hair, pushing his head closer to hers to whisper in his ear, ‘’I’m not wearing any underwear.’’ His eyes shifted down to her zipper as she released her grip. ‘’Up we go.’’ she continued.
Scotts demeanor changed. She felt eyes boring into the back of her body. She took a few steps up the stairs and fell forward. Scott grabbed her hips, pulling her up again. ‘’Be careful, baby. Come here, let me help you.’’ He put his arm around her waist and practically lifted her up the stairs. Each time she slipped, she felt his hands grip her tighter and occasionally slide up touching the underside of her breast, arousing her a bit more each time it happened. The two made it up three flights of stairs.
Scott asked Louise, ‘’Ok, which room is yours, baby girl? Help me out here. We’re almost there.’’
Louise turned to smile at him. She paused for a moment, taking in his facial feature one by one. His wide brown eyes were smiling softly at her, but she noticed something else in his eyes, something she couldn’t make out. She turned her body toward him, his hands pressed against her back. She reached up and stroked his new growing beard. Her hands went behind his neck and she pulled him in closer. Her eyes flicked back and forth between his eyes and his lips. She leaned in a bit more and kissed him. She felt him twitch and push her back, that’s when she saw it. That’s when she knew, what was hiding in his eyes. Fear. She felt powerful and in control. Scott was afraid of loosing control, she liked it.
‘’I’m in here.’’ she said, turning around. He followed her without a word. The room was dark and neither bothered turning on the light.
‘’Which bunk is yours?’’ he asked.
Louise pointed up to the left. She began to climb up, but couldn’t make it. She was so out of it. Edon had been right. She should have stayed in bed. What was she thinking? She wasn’t thinking. That was the problem. She was playing in an imaginary world, where nothing was real. It was all a dream and there would be no consequences.
Scott didn’t ask her if she needed help. He simply lifted her up and laid her in bed. She didn’t realize what had happened until she was staring up at the ceiling. Scott leaned over the side of the bed staring at her.
‘’Do you need help with your pyjamas?’’ he asked.
‘’I sleep naked, you can help me take off my clothes.’’she answered. She smiled at him, dazed and confused. She didn’t worry about him harming her. She had already kissed him. She felt a warmth and comfort with him. She had no thought or desire, she realized she was tired and just wanted to sleep.
‘’Uh, yea, I’ll help you.’’ He didn’t need to climb in the bed to take off her shirt. He just pulled it up over her head. ‘’I’m gunna go look the door, ok baby, are you alright?’’
‘’Yea’’ she said softly, unbuttoning her pants.
‘’Where is the key?’’
‘’In my pocket.’’ She tried to find it, but was too tired. Scott helped her by pulling off her pants. He found the key and locked the door, then hurried back to Louise. He jumped in the bunk with her and pulled off his shirt. She could feel him staring at her naked body. He didn’t bother covering her up and she didn’t mind. She felt good about herself. She felt pretty, sexy and wanted. She closed her eyes.
Scott lifted her legs in the air and move between them. She let them fall open. Scott placed a hand on her lower abdomen a moved it downward until she felt him slip a finger into her.
He leaned down, but stopped short, looking up at her, he said, ‘’Louise, look at me!’’
She forced herself to open her eyes.
‘’Keep your eyes open. Look at me! Are you ok? Are you sure you want me to do this?’’
‘’Mmm,’’ was all she managed to let out.
He held her gaze as he pushed his face downward and began orally pleasing her or at least trying to please her. She was dry and had no real desire. She was just tired.
Suddenly, someone knocked at the door. ‘’Louise!’’ It was Edon. ‘’Louise, open the door.’’
Scott stop immediately,’’Shit!’’ he said, jumping out of the bed. ‘’Shit,’’ he said again looking for his shirt. ‘’What are we going to do, Louise?’’ he asked in a panic. ‘’Shit” he said, pasing back and forth a few times.
Louise didn’t answer. She curled up into a ball, facing the wall. She closed her eyes and heard what was happening as if in a daze. It wasn’t even real. She was dreaming.
The banging on the door got louder. Scot covered Louise with her blanket and walked to the door. He took a deep breath and unlocked it. Edon pushed it open. ‘’Where is Louise?’’ he asked accusingly.
‘’Hey, I’m sorry man. I’m sorry. Nothing happened, I swear.’’ Scot tried to protect himself.
Edon was two heads shorter than Scott, but pushed passed him and went straight to Louise’s bed. He yanked the cover back. ‘’Fuck!’’ He covered her back up. ‘’Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!’’ He stormed out of the room.
‘’I’m sorry Edon, I’m sorry.’’ Scott tried again.
‘’What were you thinking? Forget about it.’’ He hollered, along with a few other unmentionable words.
Someone closed the door. The voices faded. And Louise fell asleep.
© Rebekah Schmidt and Ten Years in Germany 2013, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Rebekah Schmidt and Ten Years in Germany with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.