The first day of German lessons went by fine, what wasn’t fine is the attention that Louise got from the boys. She had been going to an all-girls school for the past three years for goodness sake. She didn’t even know how to react.
During the one of the breaks in the first week Louise was tired. Being as the boys’ rooms were directly next to the classroom, one of the boys offered to let Louise lay down in his bed. She figured he would just go back to hanging around his friends, but unfortunately she had forgotten how boys are sometimes. She knew that this boy, Leander, liked her. She climbed up in his bunk bed and lay down. Leander stood on the ladder watching her.
‘’Leander, is that short for Alexander?’’ asked Louise.
He took this as an invitation to come closer. She climbed into the bed next to him. ‘’No,’’ He said softly. Louise was facing the wall and could feel his breath on her neck. She closed her eyes, enjoying the closeness, but not wanting to give him the wrong idea. She was afraid she already had. She felt him place a hand on her upper waist. She breathed in deeply and as she let out the air, he allowed his hand to slide down the side of her body. He let his hand stop on her hip. ‘’It means Lion of a Man.’’
Louise’s heart was pounding, how easy it would be to turn around and kiss him. But is that really what she wanted? She wasn’t sure. She was so flustered by his presents and words. She tried to breath slow, normal but wasn’t sure that it was working. What if someone came in right now and saw them lying together? She would be labeled ‘’the slut’’ for sure.
No. This isn’t what she wanted. She had only said she was tired and he had offered his bed. She was so stupid not to see where this would lead. Man! She closed her eyes tightly, not quite sure how to get out of the situation without making a scene or hurting Leander, after all she had jumped into his bed. She could hardly blame him, right? Or is this what people mean when they say ‘it is not your fault’? Did she lead him on?
Leander moved his hand forward, from her hip to her inner thigh and pulled himself closer to her so that she could feel his bulge on her behind. No! This is not what she wanted. She grabbed his hand and pushed it behind her. God, what was she supposed to do? She just wanted to rest. She didn’t want to fight with him or make him mad. He reached over and placed his hand on her stomach, directly over her belly button.
That was enough. She sat up without a word, climbed over him, out of the bed and out of the room. She heard him asking, ‘’what did I do wrong?’’ but she just kept on walking. She didn’t want to answer. She didn’t want to fight. She didn’t want anyone to know what had happened. It wasn’t a big deal; she just wanted to forget it.
She just wanted to forget it, but she couldn’t, just like she couldn’t forget Michael, who hurt her in his car when she was only 14 years old. He held her face and shoved his tongue in between her lips. When she didn’t open her mouth, he squeezed tighter to show her who was boss. As she submitted to his kiss, she began to enjoy it. His grip remained on her jaw as he forcefully jammed his fingers in between her legs. He pushed so hard that it hurt her. She there was nothing more to enjoy. She just wanted him to stop. She pushed on the hand that was rubbing her, trying to push him away, but it only seemed to make Michael mad. He pushed harder saying, ‘’don’t try to fight me, you know you like it.’’
What a jerk. Louise should have known better than to get in the car with this idiot. It wasn’t the first time he had touched her. She first met him at a friend’s house. He went to the same church she attended. She had been outside with her friends, swimming when he showed up with a few guy friends. It was summer and there were no adults around. Louise and her friends went inside. Her friends sat down on the floor in front of the T.V. and Louise sat behind them on the couch. Michael at on the couch next to Louise, his friends on the floor next to her friends.
Michael grabbed her hand, placing it into his lap. She tried to pull her hand away, but Michael was not only 3 years older than her but also about 3 feet taller. This guy was a giant, with no fat, just big muscles. Even then Louise didn’t want to make a scene. Even then she stayed quiet and just hoped one of her friends would turn around so that he would let her go.
But that wasn’t all. After that day he started visiting Louise at her home. Her mother was normally watching television and didn’t notice what was happening in the back yard. Michael would rub on Louise’s legs and waist when he spoke to her. She found that kind of touch tolerable. She kind of liked it. It was better than the first day being forced to rub his growing bump. She figured that was all that would happen. She figured he wouldn’t do anything more, but she had been wrong.
Her sister called one evening while Michael was visiting her. Kelly wanted to be picked up from her boyfriend’s house. That’s when Sally, Louise’s mother said, ‘’Oh, Michael I’m so glad you’re here. Could you drive down the road and pick up Louise’s sister. Louise can show you the way.’’
‘’No problem, Mrs. Sanders!’’ he said with a smile and a twinkle in his eye.
Louise told her mother privately, that she didn’t feel like going, but Sally just replied, ‘’Oh don’t be silly, Lou.’’
So she went and that’s when Michael had held her tight and molested her. She just wanted to forget. But she couldn’t, just like she couldn’t forget the day she spent with Amanda, Mandy for short. She asked Louise to come with her to a friend’s house. Louise knew she shouldn’t leave the house without calling and asking her mother if it was alright. Mandy promised it would only be her friend and his younger brother.
Louise thought it would be alright if she made an exception. She and Mandy walked four miles to her friend’s house. His name was Dustin.
When the two girls arrived there were three boys instead of the promised two. And shortly after a young man showed up who talked the boys into the kitchen. But they didn’t plan on cooking a meal. The four filed back out into the living room each with a pistol in his hand. The oldest of them all, leading the way. He walks directly to the couch and plops down next to Louise. He set the tip of the barrel on her temple and told her not to be afraid. She sat as still as possible calculating the easiest way to get out of this situation.
The other boys stood around the room directing each pistol at the two girls, as if to say you can’t get away so don’t even try. Louise considered running, but knew she wouldn’t make it out of the trailer. Yes, she was in a trailer park. Some might say she should have known better than to go into a trailer park wearing short shorts, a tank top and flip flops. But that would be putting the blame on her. It would be saying that these boys are animals and can’t help themselves. Was this true? Louise’s father must have been trying to warn her about boys like this. But is this really just a part of life that Louise would have to accept and learn to deal with? She liked to think not. She liked to give everyone a chance and not judge someone due to where he/she lives.
Her heart was pounding as she imagined trying run. In her imagination the boys grabbed her, beat her, used her and then shot her. No, she wouldn’t try to run. She would be as still. She would do whatever he wanted. She just wanted to get out alive.
The boy/man next to Louise placed his hand on her knee. Mandy told him to get his ‘’fucking hands off of her friend.’’ Why couldn’t Louise say that? She was in a state of shock, wondering if this would be her last experience on earth. She was racking her brain on what to do. Don’t make him mad. Just let him do what he wants and then get out. Her heart was beating 100 miles an hour. She began to sweat. She didn’t notice what he was doing to her. She barely heard her friend telling him to stop. Louise was sure she would pass out. No, she must stay awake or who knows what might happen to her if she wasn’t able to take orders.
The man had his hand on her as he asked the other boys, ‘’who wants to be the first? You’re a virgin, right sweat heart?’’
What was he asking her? What did he say? She glanced in his direction as he gestured to the back rooms. He nodded to Dustin’s younger brother, saying, ‘’you can go first. You’ll take it easy on her. We’ll go in order of age, save the best for last,’’ he laughed.
They all started laughing. Dustin put down his gun saying, ‘’Louise we’re just messing with you.’’
His brother, ‘’the guns aren’t even loaded.’’
He man next to her pulled the trigger twice while still holding it to her head saying, ‘’Boom, boom!’’ before he stood up and helped the others put away the guns. They all started laughing at Louise, saying it was so funny to watch how she almost ‘’pissed’’ on herself.
‘’Yeah, funny, I’m laughing.’’ thought Louise.
That night Louise had trouble sleeping. She told her sister what had happed, who told her boyfriend. The next day he came over to pick up Kelly and laughed at Louise for being so stupid, ‘’what did you think would happen? How can you be so stupid?’’ he said shaking his head. ‘’ You’re lucky they didn’t kill you. Going to a trailer park in what, a tank top and mini shorts? You were just looking for trouble.’’
Louise spent the day curled up in her mother’s bed. She didn’t eat. She didn’t move. She cried until there were no more tears to cry. She wanted to forget. She just wanted to forget that it had ever happened.
Why do boys think that they have to use force? Don’t they know that girls feel a desire as well? Don’t they know that force is not necessary? If they are kind to a girl and listen to her that she will swell with warmth that makes her want to feel his hands softly caress her body? Don’t they know that simply listening followed by a loving caress is enough to have her putty in his hands? She’ll want him to do more. She’ll beg him to undress her and won’t mind if he’s rough. She’ll want him to be rough. She’ll want to feel his weight on her and feel him inside her. She’ll lick him and be his slave. It doesn’t take that much. Why do boys not understand this? Why do they think they need force?
She just wanted to forget. Leander followed her into the classroom and sat down beside her. ‘’I’m sorry.’’ He said. ‘’I shouldn’t have done that.’’ He waited for her response.
‘’No, it’s fine. I don’t want to talk about it. Just forget it.’’ She said. She was trying to push him away politely. She didn’t want to get into this subject and be the victim and the villain again. She just wanted to forget it. When he didn’t reply she gave a half smile and said. ‘’What? I’m fine.’’
He didn’t look convinced. Others were coming back into the classroom. She didn’t want them to hear the conversation. She couldn’t help laughing at how concerned he was. It made her happy that he actually cared. She smiled, saying, ‘’really. It’s ok.’’ Now she was comforting him. That was backwards. It really hadn’t been that bad. Leander hadn’t harmed her and she was beginning to think that he just liked her and misread her.
She changed the subject, ‘’Does your name really mean ‘Lion of a man’ or did you just make that up?’’
Leander seemed to relax. ‘’No, I didn’t make that up. It actually does mean ‘Lion of a man.’ My parents have a fascination with Greek mythology. They named me Leander, Lion of a man.’’
‘’Fitting,’’ thought Louise. The teacher came back in and all was forgotten. She had been able to forgive him and he never touched her again. He seemed to keep an eye on her, letting her know, that he still cared.
Later that week, when some of the other boys flirted with Louise, Leander approached her. ‘’Is everything alright?’’ he asked. ‘’They being nice to you?… You don’t like any of them do you?’’
Louise replied with a smile and a wave of her hand ‘’Stop worrying. I’m fine. I handled you, didn’t I?’’ She laughed, feeling pleased with herself. She was getting the hang of being around boys again.
It wasn’t until the Group took a trip to the ‘Schwarzwald’* that things changed.
© Rebekah Schmidt and Ten Years in Germany 2013, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Rebekah Schmidt and Ten Years in Germany with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.